Superstitious

I am starting to feel a little nervous about how well everything seems to be going. We gave Dayssi her last dose of Ara C for this week, this morning, and she is acting like she is perfectly fine, strong, healthy, like her body is not under any kind of attack. I know this is a ridiculous interpretation but we were expecting this past five weeks to be a lot worse than they have been. I don't know where Dayssi's counts are and one of these days we're going to get scary news on that front. But for now, thank you, she does not appear to be in any kind of imminent danger.

This feels like a reckless admission. Like I might actually be punished for wishful thinking, for failing to worry enough, for rejecting the gravity of our situation, or for forgetting to thank whomever is responsible for our current (relatively) good fortune. And I am puzzled by this kind of thinking, by me. Who exactly would punish me? Neither Jim nor I has any first hand experience with belief in God -- no one who raised us believes in any public or systematic way. Yet, I am finding it is nearly impossible to go through this experience without looking up, on a regular basis, to ask why, or to say thanks, or to beg for help, or for mercy. It feels foolish to me, but I don't know what else to do. There is no one on this earth who can tell us why, or offer any promises. But this does not stop me from wanting them.