India Loves Kindergarten

It has been a fantastic week for India. She loves kindergarten and her teachers, who are as warm, engaged, talented, and charismatic as they come. The activities are wonderful too -- for example, the teachers prepare a "news" letter for kids to bring home every day, and in it the kids report their own personal news, like, "Adam's grandparents are visiting. Haley's lizard died but she is getting a new fish." as well as class news, like "We danced in the theatre today!" On Day 2 of kindergarten, India reported in the news that her little sister has leukemia. Hello! The teacher called to make sure I was ok with reporting that announcement to the entire class on Day 2. Of course I said it was fine, so now everyone knows, which I think is a good thing. First, it is good for India to feel that her new friends and teachers really know her and what is going on in her life. She will be loved, accepted and supported at school despite this, and because of it, and both of those things are good from my point of view. We have written a follow-up note to explain leukemia to all of the families in India's class so that they'll know how to answer any questions this raises for their own kids. I am hopeful that the news will turn out to have been a positive development for all of us.

Dayssi is also doing fine. Her counts are low but you'd never know it. Her cold is lingering and the cough is making me anxious, but so far, no fevers, and she is full of vigor and vitality, so I think we are doing ok.

Meanwhile, I caught Dayssi's cold (I let my guard down for a second and let her feed me something, ugh!) so that has made me unhappy, especially since I just got over the other one. Truth is, I am just worn out this week. Depressed is more like it. I have had it with this regimen already, and we are only three months into it. I'm tired of the constant vigilance; it takes up at least 2/3 of my mental capacity: what medicines does Dayssi need today, is it the same ones as yesterday, at what times, when does she have to eat in order to get the medicine into her before bedtime? When she takes the pill at bedtime, it has to be taken at exactly the right time (not too early), no one else can touch it, and sometimes she wants to play with the pill or take it out of her mouth, and if she keeps it on her lips or gums too long it can give her blisters. Will she take the medicines, or will she resist? We haven't had any problem for weeks but you just never know. Every poop threatens an out of control diaper rash (although she is out of diapers completely, which I think should take care of that problem), especially the extra soft poops which seem to come frequently and at random, but the alternative is even worse, so the poops can't be too hard or we have to give her more poo-poo medicine right away. So there is lots of poop watching going on. And we've also been fighting yeast infections off and on, which I am constantly checking for. The relentless hand washing, slathering hands with Purell every time Dayssi touches something that other people touch, cleaning the pacifier every time it falls on the ground, watching to make sure that she and India are not sharing food or drinks. Cleaning India's hands every time she touches something germy, cleaning my hands after work, after putting in my contacts, after blowing my nose, after touching ANYTHING. Praying that the nannies are doing all of this too.

On the first day of kindergarten the teachers had set up a table with bowls of cheerios and string on it so that the kids could make edible necklaces, and my first thought was "Aacckk, germs!" When we picked India up from school Dayssi went right over to the bowls (which had been used all morning by 17 clean,adorable but germy kids) and almost got some; I had to stop her and she cried because she couldn't have any. The next day, India made a necklace just for Dayssi to make up for the previous day' disappointment, not realizing that this was just re-creating the same problem, and I had to take the necklace away, which disappointed both Dayssi and India (the fantastic teacher gave us a bag of clean cheerios just for Dayssi, so that helped a little). The plaque is accumulating on Dayssi's lower teeth again, already (apparently this is from the sugary medicines), although I am trying to stay on top of the tooth brushing and make sure it is being done effectively (anyone who has ever had a 2-year old knows what kind of fun we're having here). And I've been laying awake at night trying to figure out how to manage Dawn and Candy's schedules when I can't plan ahead: will Dayssi go to school on Monday, Wednesday and Friday in the fall, or will she be at home with low counts and exhaustion from the steroids? No way to tell. . . . it goes on and on, the decisions just keep coming, the list of dangers to watch out for is overwhelming, and I'm burned out. Not to mention the fact that I hate to even mention, which is that Dayssi is being treated for a life-threatening illness. It is actually life threatening. And at some level I am always aware of what that means, and that the illness could recur at any moment, and that the side -effects of the treatment can also be life threatening, but we have to do the treatment for 2 more years. And, starting next week, all of this agonizing will probably just get worse, as we start delayed intensification. Oh, yeah, and I'm supposed to be working.

Anyway, I'm playing hookey from work this week, trying to pretend I'm having a summer vacation (while Jim is at Yale for 10 days), taking naps, spending time with my friends whenever I can, and buying the girls fall clothes. It helps, but the truth is, I am crabby. I am tired of worrying. I want our old life back. I know I will find a way to get through this, and to buck up for what is coming, but right now I don't feel like trying.